“I often think about my old life. Many people ask if I want to go back to Ukraine. That is a very difficult question for me to answer.”

On February 24, 2022 at 5:00 in the morning, I woke up from the sound of an explosion. I went out on the balcony to see what was going on. After I opened the balcony door, I was thrown back by a shock wave from an explosion. I was shocked and scared and understood that the war had begun. My daughter, who was 9 at the time, woke up and I asked her to hide under the table. My son, who was 2 years old, continued to sleep. I was born and had lived all my life in Kharkiv, until the war started. A month before the war started, we bought a new apartment and planned to move there in a couple of months.
I found a suitcase and started packing in a panic. I just threw the clothes without understanding what exactly I threw in the bag. I had a hard time understanding what to do next, what to go and what to do. Our house was in the Pivnichna Sativka district, almost at the bypass on which Russian armored cars stood. They were visible if you left the house. The explosions were heard all the time and you could see that there was a fire here and there. It was very scary. People began to flee. They ran in different directions. At 8 o’clock in the morning that day, our 9-story building was completely empty. None of us were prepared for the war. On the contrary, we didn’t think it would start! And that’s why my family invested in a new apartment.
We had an old car that was low on gas. I was aware that we wouldn’t be able to drive far with it. We had several options: hide in the subway like many others or go to my parents’ house which was closer to the city center which we chose. In the house there was a cellar and we hid there. My kids were dressed 24/7, because sometimes we had about 40 seconds to hide. It takes 40 seconds for a rocket to fly from Russia to Kharkiv in Ukraine. During that time I couldn’t eat, I constantly felt sick and sick. I looked at my children and was afraid for their future. During this time, we returned twice to our apartment to take several valuables with us. At that time, there were Ukrainian soldiers in our house and they followed us inside. During the last visit there was an attack and the roof of the house was damaged. When we were on our way from there, to my parents’ house where my children was left, we didn’t know if we would make it all the way. Everything around was shaking and making noise and we had a hard time understanding what is happening, do we need to stop or drive on? We spent a week in such an environment. Meanwhile, Russian forces tried several times to capture the city center. Some of them were liquidated at once but others managed to capture some objects; a school for example that my daughter could go to. It was a very old school that survived the Second World War. But it was destroyed in 2022. When I went out to my mother’s kitchen garden, I saw terrible things around me – an old school that was destroyed, several buildings that burned further in Barabashovo, Pivnichna Saltivka, Velyka Danilivka, Piatyhatka and Zhykovo. When I looked up at the sky, I could see rockets and planes flying towards the center of the city. I felt like I was in hell and unfortunately my children were there too. Thoughts about their future forced me to decide to leave the city. My parents did not support my decision but thought it would be better to stay and wait. However, my children’s father supported my decision and said that if I had decided to leave, I would. I knew there were evacuation trains but I didn’t know where and when they left. Early in the morning of March 3, 2022, we got into the car and drove to the train station. I had decision anxiety, on the one hand I knew that the train station was a strategic object that was constantly under artillery fire but on the other hand it was our only way out. On the way to the station I was shocked at how destroyed the city had become, it reminded me of pictures from World War II. The train station was packed with people, people had been there for several days waiting to be evacuated. I got a terrible thought in my head that if the train station came under fire we would be trampled by the people. Everyone was waiting for information about how the trains were going. I was carrying my little son who was crying constantly, then a man came to me and said quietly that there is an evacuation train coming from track two and if I run there fast I might make it. I took my children and started running towards the track, I shouted that I am a mother with children and asked the train hostess to wait. We jumped on the train and the train hostess closed the doors behind us. My husband ran after me with nappies and water but he didn’t make it to the train, I asked to open the window to get the things but was refused as people could climb into the train through the windows. After a couple of minutes the train left. No one knew where we were going. Our carriage was packed with people sitting everywhere. Someone had crying children, another took care of their pets who were sitting in cages and were stressed. We couldn’t move in the wagon, if something needed to be done, everyone tried to help each other by hanging things. We were asked to close the curtains on the windows and turn off our cell phones.

The train traveled in total darkness. On March 4, 2022, we arrived in Lviv (a city in western Ukraine near the Polish border). In the meantime, my partner Olexander had been looking for people who could help us further. Olexander is a canoeist, alpinist, orienteer and marathon runner. He has many contacts around the world and found an acquaintance in Lviv who met us and helped us on to the Polish border. There at the border, it was the first time I could breathe out and relax. It was also the first time I was able to eat normally after the war had started. Polish border workers and volunteers were very kind to us, they gave my son a toy which we still have and I got some soup which was the best I had ever eaten and also felt like it had magical powers. I remember so well the feeling when the body could finally relax. In Poland, another acquaintance of my husband helped us get on to Gdynia, where we got on the ferry to Sweden. I needed to decide what to do next. All responsibility was on me. An acquaintance of ours lived in Karlskrona who was ready to receive us. I decided to go to him and on March 8, 2022 we arrived in Sweden. I liked Karlskrona a lot but felt we couldn’t stay there. I registered at the migration office in Norrköping and started looking for accommodation. There were people who got in touch and were ready to receive us temporarily and in the end we ended up in Malmö. Until autumn 2022, we lived with various Swedish families who helped us with accommodation, clothes and food. It was a great experience to get help from the Swedish people for whom I am very grateful, both for what they have done and what they are doing. Then my children started preschool and school and I have started as a volunteer in an organization that helps Ukraine. Then came a new law regarding housing for Ukrainian refugees; it became our chance to get our own accommodation in Malmö and become independent. I got used to Malmö and my children have started to adapt. A new move would undoubtedly be a stressful moment for my children. It was a difficult period in our lives, but in October 2022 we finally got our permanent accommodation in Malmö. Today I am studying Swedish at SFI and looking for a job, in Ukraine I worked as a university lecturer in architecture. I am a trained architect and designer. Now I’m looking for a job that has to do with people; school, preschool or nursing home. My children go to preschool and school, we also found an organization that helps Ukrainians and we like to visit all their activities to meet other Ukrainians. My children also go to Ukrainian Sunday School where they can meet other Ukrainian children of the same age. I’m trying to rebuild our life and doing the best I can.

I often think about my old life. Many people ask if I want to go back to Ukraine. That is a very difficult question for me to answer. My house was destroyed by a Russian rocket in May 2022 and I have nowhere to live. I have been fired from my job when I left the country. However, I miss my hometown Kharkiv very much. Unfortunately, I see that my beautiful city has turned into ruins. It is constantly shelled and more and more destroyed with each passing day. Could we ever believe that Ukraine’s largest Russian-speaking city, Kharkiv, would one day be destroyed by native Russian speakers 40 km away from us?!? It will never be the same as it once was. We will never forget and as for me, I will always carry with me a fear of living near a crazy neighbor like Russia that is capable of such terrible cruelty.