“I exit the car to make a call and when I looked up in the sky I saw a missile flying straight towards our house. The missile flew so low that I could see letters written on it. I think I will always remember this moment and will never be able to forget it.”

On February 24, 2022 I woke up at 5 a.m. because of loud explosion. My family and I lived near a military airport and therefore we got used to high noise levels. My father and ex-husband were military. Loud noise of military aircrafts does not scare me – it was part of everyday life. But this sound was different and therefore scared me. My ex-husband went out on the balcony and saw that something was burning at the military airport. We understood that the war had begun. Since my ex-husband was a military he was involved in the war in Donbas on the East of Ukraine. Therefore I knew what the war is but even I did not expect that a full-scale war is possible in the 21st century. Our country was attacked from several directions with all kinds of weapons and with an army of about 250,000. Given the military airport that we lived nearby and that was most likely a target for the Russians we understood that our lives were in danger. My first reaction was to hide my two children somewhere in safe place. They were still sleeping so I took them one by one and put them in the bath room. We thought the bathroom was the safest place. The children were very confused. My next step was to call my mother who lived in a small military town in Zhytomyr region. Mother confirmed my thoughts as they were bombarded as well. I suddenly felt myself trembling and a thousand thoughts swirling around in my head. I started thinking about all my loved ones who were in danger at that time and my ex-husband who was defending our homeland from Russians who were bombing the peaceful cities of Ukraine. We lived near the highway to Odessa which at the time was congested with cars trying to leave the city. I was confused and didn’t know what to do next. But I understood that it would be madness to remain near a military airport. My friend called me and suggested that we go to her parents’ summer house near Bila Tserkva city and it felt safer. It is therefore we decided to leave the city together. I packed some things and toys for the children, brought all the food that we could eat without cooking. We decided to go with two cars: if something would happen to one car we could get to the other. The roads were crowded and there were long queues at the gas stations. Sale of petrol was limited to 20 liters per car. Several gas stations lacked don’t have ant fuel at all. Panic spread slowly in the town. People were standing in line at grocery stores to buy food and at ATMs to withdraw cash. We waited for our friends on the other side of town. Mobile network coverage was very poor. I exited the car to make a call and when I looked up in the sky I saw a missile flying straight towards our house. The missile flew so low that I could see letters written on it. I think I will always remember this moment and will never be able to forget it. Then and there I also understood that our life had changed forever and that it would never be the same again. This missile flew above me and my young children to destroy my home and other things that were important to me. The missile flew for a few seconds but to me it was like an eternity. My kids saw it too. My son who was 6 years old at the time was very scared. This day left an imprint on his mental health but at that time we forgot about it and moved on to our first stop. More and more friends and relatives came there and no one knew what to do. Some wanted to go abroad immediately, others thought it was best to stay and wait for developments. We watched the news and it was getting only worse. Adults found it difficult to eat so we only cooked for the children. We never take off the clothes and ready to leave at any moment. We planned different scenarios and changed them all the time. Every time I went out I saw airplanes and they were not Ukrainian. I new that based upon my experience. I was very scared. At night I slept with my children and thought about how to protect them with my body in case a bomb hits our house. It is so natural that every mother thinks about how to save her children. We stayed two days in this house. Some of those who were with us went to western Ukraine and others planned to move abroad Ukraine. I had a very hard time deciding what to do. I thought about going either to my mother or to another relative in the city of Makariv. I had a very bad feeling about second option and later when Makariv was occupied I was very glad that we didn’t go there. So we went to my mother who lived in a suburb of Zhytomyr. We went through small roads because main roads were very dangerous back then. When we arrived at the city it was very difficult to recognize it. It was empty, lots of checkpoints, concrete structures everywhere and air raid sirens that was never stopping. It was very emotional and scary to see my childhood city as it had become after only a few days of war. When we arrived to my mother’s house which was close to the river on the lowland I could calm myself a bit and relax. There were no air raid alarms or noise of aircrafts. It started to feel like it all was a nightmare and when I’ll wake up I realize it is was not a real thing. But it was all true and the situation worsened each day. Makariv, where my relatives lived, was occupied. We also received tragic news about my relative and my father’s best friend Oleksandr. The Russians entered his house and tried to rape his wife, an old age woman. Oleksandr tried to defend her and the Russians shot him. He lost a lot of blood and died during the next few days as the Russians would not let to bring him help. Some of Oleksandr’s neighbors were shot as they were wearing camouflage clothing. Russian militaries started to kill civilians, rape women and steal everything valuable from house – we’ve heard that from eyewitnesses – our relatives who lived on occupied territories of Ukraine. These relatives mostly hid in the basements trying to save their lives. I was afraid of the news, we’ve seen that Russian army moved closer and closer towards Kyiv  and its regions. I’ve got two children and I was thinking all the time about how could I save them. I was very afraid of occupation and the terrible things the Russians were causing to civilians. At the beginning of March I received a message from relatives of my ex-husband who had lived during many years in Sweden, Staffanstorp. It was my children’s uncle and his wife who offered us to come and stay with them and that’s what made me decide to leave Ukraine.

It was a difficult decision for my husband but he knew it was the best option for us. He decided to accompany us to the border of Ukraine but stay in Ukraine as he had no right to leave the country. As early as March 3rd we were in Uzhgorod which has common border with Hungary. On March 4th the children and I took the train from Chop and 15 minutes later we were in Hungary. It was very difficult to separate from my husband. I saw him crying when a train left station. It was very emotional as we didn’t know when and if we would see each other ever again. In Hungary we were met by volunteers who provided us with everything we needed. We needed to stay somewhere because we had airplane tickets for the next day so the volunteers also helped us to find a room in hotel in Budapest. Only there for the first time I could relax and fall asleep. On March 5th, 2022 we were in Malmö and my relatives met us and took us to their private house in Staffanstorp. They did everything possible to make our stay in Sweden as comfortable as possible. They provided us with a separate room. They have supported and entertained us trying to make us forget what we went through. They also helped us with all the necessary registration with the Swedish Migration Agency. There was sad news from Ukraine all the time – almost every day we received news on death of our friends who went to military service to protect Ukraine. I was married to my ex-husband for 13 years and we had many mutual acquaintances and their families. I was constantly in contact with my mother who still was in Ukraine and the first thing I did every morning after waking up was to call her and check if she was alive as well as if our other relatives were still alive. My children and I were safe but my thoughts were far away from Sweden, in country where my acquaintances are being killed each day, where missiles and bombs ruin our buildings, where air raid alarms were heard all the time and enemies’ missiles were aiming at our house. I struggled with a guilty conscience that I could leave with my children abroad but someone didn’t. I thought about those who are still in shelters and those who are under occupation. I felt that I have no right to enjoy life in Sweden, I can’t entertain, I must not celebrate birthdays because I’m here but there is a war in Ukraine. Because someone there is suffering a lot.

To distract from bad thoughts and not to read the new all the day long I started learning Swedish. My children started to go to local school in May 2022. I took the children to various wonderful places to make them relax and try to continue their happy childhood. Little by little we were coming back to our normal life. In summer I started to search myself a job. I visited different companies for interviews but in my heart there was a hope to return to Ukraine. My CV were considered a couple of companies and one of the consulting companies hired me as IT QA. It’s almost at the same time that Migration Agency has provided us with a hostel apartments and in September 2022 we have moved out from our relatives. We lived in the hostel for nine months and then I’ve had ability to rent an apartment in Staffanstorp. In summer of 2023 my mother moved to me to help with children and I convinced her to stay with us. However, my heart is in pain for my relatives who still in Ukraine. I often call them and try to help them as much as I can.

I have adapted to life in Sweden and live life like everyone else around. I work, pay taxes, rent an apartment, pay bills but at the same time I feel myself very limited in some cases. The status that we’ve got here do not let us to have a full range of rights, it does not allow us to receive a full range of services and possibilities available in the country. Without personal number I can’t even let my son have studies in a school of music. I don’t have BankID. During a long time I couldn’t use mobile application for school and see my children’s notes. The commune didn’t let us learn Swedish language under the SFI program. It is so much inconvenient and doesn’t allow us to make certain decisions. We don’t understand what could we expect and what shall happen with us in one year when the Directive validity shall expire. Absence of a clear understanding of what will happen in future makes us feel tension. We don’t know what will happen in Ukraine as well as we don’t know what will happen with us in the Sweden. This brings a lot of stress in our life. I do everything possible to integrate into society. In the same time I feel myself needless to this society. We live in Sweden almost during almost two years, my children integrate to this particular society, learn language, create contacts. They try to continue to make their study remotely in Ukrainian school but it’s so hard to make simultaneously. That means that the gap between knowledge of my children and children making their studies in Ukrainian school according to Ukrainian studying program becomes bigger and bigger every half a year. Soon the time will come to choose among universities to continue education after school so we don’t know in which country should they pass examination to university. My son is 8 years old now and this is not a big issue for him but my daughter is 13 years old and she worries about that a lot. This is her nearest future and her destiny. All these issues worries me a lot but I appreciate for everything we’ve got here. I appreciate for providing as a shelter and possibility to start our lives all over again. We received huge help from ordinary people around us we even could not think of. I couldn’t and don’t want to forget it. I’ll do my best to make our future better.

Original text in Ukrainian – Olena Andryeyenkova.